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As you’ve probably already heard, Warner Brothers has just picked up the rights to do a new Dungeons & Dragons movie. It’s being produced by the guy who directed the terrible Jeremy Irons D&D movie and the screenplay’s by the guy who’s penned such thoroughly…uh,…filmed and released?…movies as Wrath of the Titans and Red Riding Hood, so you know it’s going to be…in English? Anyways, I posted the story on Facebook, and a genius named Ryan Wagner pointed out that what they need to do is a live-action movie of the old D&D Cartoon with Ralph Feinnes as Venger and a stop-motion Tiamat. I agree, and since I haven’t done a WWPHITM Wednesday in years, I figured I’d fill out the rest of the cast.
We’re going to skip the pics this time aorund. I assume that anyone who reads this is (a) geeky enough to know who the D&D characters are and (b) competent enough in Google-fu to look up any actor whose name they don’t recognize.
Since the movie will presumably be a little more aimed at action fans than children, I’m going to assume that the characters will be older than they were in the cartoon.
Hank the Ranger
Since Hank’s the fearless leader of the gang, so the role need to go to a well-known actor who can work as part of an ensemble cast. Owen Wilson is really tempting because he kind of looks the part, but if you cast him people are going to want him to be funny (which is a shame, because he’s also pretty good when he’s not being funny). So let’s go with Bradley Cooper instead. He can do all the hero stuff and still be part of a team.
Bobby the Barbarian
I can’t think of a single kid actor, so Bobby’s the main reason I decided to up the ages. So Bobby isn’t so much younger as more immature. Fortunately, Seann William Scott is perfect for a role of an emotionally stunted guy with a bad temper.
Presto the Magician
Nerdy guy who does magic tricks? Neil Patrick Harris, of course.
Sheila the Thief
It’s important to know the audience, so in the interest of fan service you pretty much have to give this to Felicia Day.
Eric the Cavalier
I think Paul Rudd can play a complete douchebag and still come across as likable, so let’s give him the magic shield.
Diana the Acrobat
Rosario Dawson. Because wardrobe.
Twenty years ago, this would have been Danny DeVito, because he’s the only one short enough, but fortunately now we’ve got technology to re-size whoever we want to cast as DM. So why not go with an actor who’s used to it? Dungeon Master needs to give off that “I’m not sure if he’s old and wise, suffering from dementia, or just really stoned” vibe that you sometimes get from Ian Holm’s portrayal of Bilbo Baggins, so Holm gets the job.