The League of Alphabetical Madmen (A-I)

Category: Cussin' In Tongues
Created on Friday, 02 February 2018 Written by Steve

The League of Alphabetical Madmen is not-entirely-secret society of misanthropes, lunatics, and sociopaths dedicated to the advancement of the megalomaniacal arts. Their secret fortress is a vast underground lair carved into a mountainside near Chickaloon, Alaska, but they have posh clubhouses in most major cities throughout the world. Membership is limited to exactly 26 members at any given time. [Editor’s Note: If I’m not mistaken, credit for the name “The League of Alphabetical Madmen” goes to QAGS Stuff co-author Ray Forsythe.]

When a League member dies, resigns, reforms, or becomes permanently incapacitated (for example, by becoming trapped in an alternate dimension, stranded in the past, or turned to stone), a new member is chosen from among a waiting list of applicants with “trade names” beginning with the appropriate letter. Many aspiring Madmen choose names with less-used letters in hopes of increasing their chances of being chosen due to the smaller pool of potential candidates. Assassination of current members in order to trigger the applications process is another common tactic. The exact process by which new Madman are chosen is highly secretive, but is known to be potentially fatal. 

The current League of Alphabetical Madmen roster consists of the following maniacs:

Captain Alchemy

  • Real Name: Abraham Van Stubing 
  • Specialty: Alchemy 
  • Secret Weapon: Vast gold reserves 
  • Evil Plan: To Live Forever!
  • WWPHITM? Brian Cox 
  • Notes: Captain Alchemy is the only founding member of the League still alive. He has not visibly aged in at least 70 years. 

The Beast of Birmingham 

  • Real Name: The Beast of Birmingham. His friends call him Bob.  
  • Specialty: Tearing enemies limb from limb 
  • Secret Weapon: Savage ferocity, big claws and teeth 
  • Evil Plan: Kill whoever Captain Alchemy wants killed. Hopefully get to eat them. 
  • WWPHITM? CGI monster voiced by John C. Reilly 
  • Notes: Bob is not terribly bright. 

Calamity Queen 

  • Real Name: Dr. Elizabeth Whitestone 
  • Specialty: Geology 
  • Secret Weapon: The Earthquake Machine  
  • Evil Plan: To destroy Junction City, Kansas (which unfortunately is not located on a fault line)
  • WWPHITM? Tessa Thompson 
  • Notes: Her nemesis is Kevin Bacon, for obvious reasons. 

Dr. Discordia

  • Real Name: Sally May Jankowski 
  • Specialty: Crazy schemes 
  • Secret Weapon: An army of internet trolls 
  • Evil Plan: Immanentize the eschaton 
  • WWPHITM? Emily Kinney
  • Notes: Keeps all her evil schemes in a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. Also, not a doctor. 

Evil Elvis 

  • Real Name: Unknown 
  • Specialty: Elvis Impersonation 
  • Secret Weapon: A Hunka Hunka Burning Thermite  
  • Evil Plan: Travel back in time, kill Elvis, take his place. 
  • WWPHITM? Nicholas Cage 
  • Notes: Will vote for any LoAM applicant with time travel technology

Famdoom the Fire Dancer 

  • Real Name: Rico Gomezdelcampo
  • Specialty: Fire Powers 
  • Secret Weapon: His hypnotic Flame Dance 
  • Evil Plan: Seduce the world, or at least all the attractive people  
  • WWPHITM? Benicio Del Toro 
  • Notes: Impeccable fashion sense 

Sergeant Gravedigger 

  • Real Name: Sergeant Jack Graves 
  • Specialty: Arms Dealer/Weapon Designer
  • Secret Weapon: Grim Reaper Mark IV Assault Rifle 
  • Evil Plan: Secure lucrative Pentagon contracts. 
  • WWPHITM? Terry Crews 
  • Notes: 12-time Blackwater Employee of the Month

Harbinger 

  • Real Name: Unknown
  • Specialty: Unknown 
  • Secret Weapon: Unknown 
  • Evil Plan: Unknown 
  • WWPHITM? Andre Braugher in a black Phantom Stranger style mask  
  • Notes: Accepted into the league purely for his unnerving mysteriousness 

Invulnerable Todd   

  • Real Name: Todd Zubrick 
  • Specialty: Invulnerability 
  • Secret Weapon: The Beer Bong of DOOM! 
  • Evil Plan: PARTY! 
  • WWPHITM? Dave Franco 
  • Notes: Invulnerable Todd is the first non-ice-themed “I” Madman in over 30 years. 

Next week: Madmen J-R

 

 

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The League of Alphabetical Madmen (A-I).
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