The Orders of Elvismancy

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Sample from Elvismancer:

The Blue Hawaii Boating Club

Officially, the Blue Hawaii Boating Club is a trade organization of everyday Elvis impersonators who work, according to their website, “in the nautical performance space.” This includes both performers who work on cruise ships, riverboats, and other entertainment vessels and those who incorporate skiing, surfing, and other water sports and stunts into their act. While the group’s membership likely includes a few Elvismancers, on the surface they are a completely mundane organization similar to the Flying Elvises or the Rodeo Kings.

However, there is a persistent Elvismancer urban legend that the Blue Hawaii Boating Club includes an inner circle of Elvismancers with a very specific goal. If this legend is to be believed, former Beatle Ringo Starr somehow (the details vary) came into possession of a powerful mind control satellite in the  late 1980s or early 1990s. While Starr has never indicated any plans to use the satellite, its mere existence led to the formation of a crack team of Elvismancers to guard against the possibility of Starr using the satellite to rule the Earth. Surmising that Starr would likely use his yellow submarine as a mobile headquarters during the early stages of the operation, the group focused on Elvismancers with maritime experience. Rumors that they’re building a fleet of vessels recovered from the Bermuda Triangle are generally considered a bridge too far even to those who buy the rest of the story.

The Brotherhood

Often referred to as “The Brotherhood of Evil Elvises” by non-members and “The Jailhouse Rockers” by members and outsiders alike, this group is a loose affiliation of criminals, hedonists, and maniacs who use Elvismancy for their own enrichment and gratification. To the rank and file, the organization serves as a criminal network through which members can find resources and accomplices for their various heists, schemes, and scams. In return, the Brotherhood’s mysterious Inner Circle expects them to assist in taking care of Brotherhood business when requested.

While members of the Brotherhood often embrace Elvis’s worst character flaws–the drugs, the women, the gluttony–they generally don’t regard The King with the same reverence and appreciation that most other Elvismancers feel for them. To them, the magic is just a means to an end. As a result, their acts have a tendency to embrace Elvis kitsch to a cartoonish level.

Not surprisingly given the secrecy of the Inner Circle, there is considerable speculation in the Elvismancer community that The Brotherhood’s goals are more sinister than common crime. Their true agenda, however, remains a mystery even to most members.

The Knights in Gold Lamé

The Knights in Gold Lamé use their Elvismancy magic to do good in the world: protecting the innocent, fighting for justice, assisting the downtrodden, that kind of thing. Most of their public service is strikingly mundane; They put on charity shows, organize food and toy drives, and help build Houses for Humanity. The group’s goal of honoring The King by helping their fellow man has made it the single largest Elvismancer organization.

The Knights base many of their rites (and all too often, their gender politics) on stories of knights and chivalry, particularly the Arthurian tales. For most, the Round Table comparisons are merely an enjoyable conceit that helps build a sense of group identity and brotherhood. However, there are a few wackadoodles who have concocted elaborate theories regarding the relationship between the two Kings, Elvis and Arthur.

Fully explaining the Elvis/Arthur conspiracies would require a knowledge of Arthurian lore and a quantity of yarn that are beyond the scope of this book, but there are two competing schools of thought on the subject. One group simply believes that Elvis is a modern-day Arthur who will return when the people need him most. The other believes that Elvis actually was the returned Arthur, who returned when he did to help shepherd America through the struggles of the 1960s and 70s. The rationalization as to why King Arthur is now the guardian of America rather than Britain is a truly dizzying exercise in logic that’s practically outsider art even by conspiracy theorist standards.

Overall, the Knights in Gold Lamé are a group of well-meaning, community-minded do-gooders and a credit to the tradition of Elvismancy. Just be prepared to remember a pressing appointment if one of them offers to tell you the real reason they model themselves after medieval knights.