We may earn money or products from the companies mentioned in this post.

Here are five dumb tables for Private Detectives.

What Did He Fail At?

Nobody’s a private detective because they grew up dreaming of one day being a private detective. They all started out somewhere else, screwed it up, and ended up doing this. Most P.I.’s are former cops or spies or soldiers, but there are lots of other respectable (and not-so-respectable) jobs with a skill set that can be adapted to P.I. work when nobody in your field will hire you anymore.

1. Minor Celebrity
2. Hired Goon
3. Blue Collar Worker
4. Athlete
5. Soldier
6. Bodyguard
7. Beat Cop
8. Journalist
9. Crime Scene Investigator
10. Intelligence Analyst
11. Police Detective
12. G-Man
13. Security Consultant
14. S.W.A.T. Team Member
15. Special Forces Soldier
16. Political Activist
17. White Collar Professional
18. Entertainer
19. Political Operative
20. Spy

What Makes Him A Scumbag?

As Bruce Willis observed in The Last Boy Scout, “All private detectives are scumbags.” This table provides examples of actions and attitudes that can contribute to a P.I.’s scumbaggery.

1. Obsessive Compulsive
2. Drug Addict
3. Glory Hound
4. Greedy
5. Vindictive
6. Dishonest
7. Lecherous
8. Violent
9. Always In A Bad Mood
10. Compulsive Gambler
11. Drunk
12. Bigot
13. Lazy
14. No Filter
15. Superstitious
16. Self-Righteous
17. Know-It-All
18. Antiquated Worldview
19. Broken Moral Compass
20. Roll Twice

Who’s Out To Get Him?

Everybody has enemies.

1. A Minor Celebrity
2. A Crime Syndicate
3. A Drug Cartel
4. A Street Gang
5. A Small-Time Criminal
6. A Former Employer
7. A Former Ally or Co-Worker
8. Bill Collectors
9. An Ex-Lover
10. A Criminal
11. A Dirty Cop
12. A Good Cop
13. A Former Client
14. A Former Employee
15. A Concerned Citizen
16. A Reporter
17. The D.A.
18. A Politician
19. A Government Agency
20. A Cult or Secret Society

Who Is His Only True Friend?

Most private detectives only have one, probably because of the whole “scumbag” thing.

1. A Minor Celebrity
2. A Vagrant
3. A Morgue Attendant
4. A Small-Time Criminal
5. A Sex Worker
6. A Bartender/Waitress
7. A Friend On The Force
8. His Underappreciated Secretary
9. An Old Army Buddy
10. His Dog
11. A Kid
12. A Retiree With Nothing Better To Do
13. A Relative
14. A Neighbor
15. A Local Business Owner
16. A Respectable Citizen
17. A Political Activist
18. A Reporter
19. A Bureaucrat
20. A Crank

What’s He Got In His Pockets

For some reason, I always imagine private detectives as having a bunch of weird shit in their pockets. This table is for stuff in addition to the normal P.I. pocket contents (gun, hip flask, cigars, note pad and pen, phone, half-eaten sandwich, etc). Once per game, a PC P.I. can roll to see what turns up in his pockets. He may make additional rolls by spending Yum Yums. The cost starts at 1 and increases by 1 for each additional pocket search. Normally, the GM determines the exact nature of the item, but the player can choose if he doubles the YY cost (the cost is 1 for the free pocket reach).

1. Something gross
2. Something illegal
3. Something you’d find in a bathroom
4. Something you’d find in a kitchen
5. Something you’d find in a bedroom
6. Something you’d find in a garage or shed
7. Something you’d find in a car
8. Something you’d find in the junk drawer
9. Something you can eat
10. Something that can be used as a weapon
11. Something you’d find in a toolbox
12. Something you’d find in a first aid kit
13. Something that runs on batteries
14. Something you’d find in a diner
15. Something you’d find in an office
16. Something you can buy at a bodega
17. Something containing written information
18. Tickets to an event
19. Something you can sell for quick cash
20. A Clue