The League of Alphabetical Madmen (J-R)

Category: Cussin' In Tongues
Created on Friday, 09 February 2018 Written by Steve

Before we start the next batch of madmen, I’d like to invite you to sign up for The Brainfart Chronicles, an at-most-weekly newsletter where I ramble about what I’ve been doing, what other people have been doing, and anything else that pops into my head. You can sign up here

Now, on with the madmen! Special thanks to Leighton Connor for his assistance on the Dr. Malevolent entry. 

DJ Jazzy Jeff

  • Real Name: Jeffrey Allen Townes
  • Specialty: He’s the DJ
  • Secret Weapon: Talent
  • Evil Plan: None
  • WWPHITM? DJ Jazzy Jeff
  • Notes: DJ Jazzy Jeff is one of the most controversial League members in recent memory. He was inducted into the League of Alphabetical Madmen due to a clerical error and has never attended any meetings, but he has not died or formally stepped down and always pays his dues on time, so he remains a member in good standing. A few members have contested his membership because “DJ” is his specialty (which is generally the word considered when determining letter eligibility), but the official ruling from the membership committee is that in this particular case “DJ” is a title, like “King” or “Professor.” 

Dr. Knifefight 

  • Real Name: Dr. Orion T. Stovebender
  • Specialty: Knife-Fighting
  • Secret Weapon: Comprehensive knowledge of human anatomy
  • Evil Plan: To write the definitive treatise on using knives as an implement of warfare and torture
  • WWPHITM? Alex Mallari, Jr. 
  • Notes: If you find yourself in a conflict with Dr. Knifefight, bring guns. 

Labyrinth Lord

  • Real Name: Jareth Henson (legal name; birth name: Murray Lehrer) 
  • Specialty: Building elaborate death mazes
  • Secret Weapon: An army of minions and monsters
  • Evil Plan: To build a labyrinth that will make Daedalus look like a weekend hobbyist. 
  • WWPHITM? Marc Maron 
  • Notes: Not allowed within 1000 feet of Jennifer Connelly 

Dr. Malevolent 

  • Real Name: Dr. Michael Malevolent (name legally changed from Darren Camden)
  • Specialty: Mad Science/Random Acts of Evil
  • Secret Weapon: Malev-O-Ray
  • Evil Plan: To destroy the Ultra Squad
  • WWPHITM? Dennis Hopper
  • Notes: Despite constantly having a target painted on his back by the likes of Murder Mime, Morgalith the Unfathomable, Murder Master, Megasloth, Magic Master, Ms. Murder, Makumba the Cosmic Doom Turtle, MC Murder, Melankillia, Mr. Mayhem, Mirror Masochist, and countless others, Dr. Malevolent remains the second most senior member of the League after Captain Alchemy.    

Nightmare Ned

  • Real Name: Nightmare Ned
  • Specialty: Dream Demon
  • Secret Weapon: Knows what you’re really afraid of
  • Evil Plan: Spread fear
  • WWPHITM? Crispin Glover
  • Notes: Consistently voted “Best Smile” in the League of Alphabetical Madman yearbook. 

Orangu Gang

  • Real Name: Orangu Gang 
  • Specialty: Hyper-intelligent Ape
  • Secret Weapon: Multiplicity Stone (allows wearer to product temporary clones of himself)
  • Evil Plan: Become L.A.’s most powerful crime lord
  • WWPHITM? An Orangutan voiced by Danny DeVito
  • Notes: Dresses like a classic gangster

Professor Paradox

  • Real Name: Dr. Zerbert Oyster-19 Jorgenson 
  • Specialty: Super Science
  • Secret Weapon: Knowledge of the Future. Well, technically “one possible future,” but it sometimes comes in handy. 
  • Evil Plan: To lay the groundwork for his future global domination, then get unstuck in time and return to his own time to enjoy the fruits of his labors.  
  • WWPHITM? Christopher Walken 
  • Notes: Was stranded at this point in the time stream by William Faulkner and plans to get his revenge. Professor Paradox is his own great-great-great grandfather. 

Quayzarr Queen

  • Real Name: Dr. Lydia Karr 
  • Specialty: Light Powers 
  • Secret Weapon: Quayzarr Blast (superheated light) 
  • Evil Plan: Write her memoirs. 
  • WWPHITM? Sigourney Weaver
  • Notes: Quayzarr Queen was active in the 1990s, when awful stylized spelling was in fashion. She spent most of the early 2000s in Tool Town Federal Penitentiary, winning her release on a technicality in 2008. She’s maintained her League membership despite publicly claiming that she has reformed. 

The Robber Bearon 

  • Real Name: Worthington G. Havemeyer IV
  • Specialty: Making Money
  • Secret Weapon: Generational wealth, power, and werebear abilitiies
  • Evil Plan: Secretly manipulate world affairs to increase his fortune 
  • WWPHITM? Jeffrey Tambor
  • Notes: Can buy and sell you. Or eat you. 

Next week: Madmen S-Z!

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The League of Alphabetical Madmen (J-R).
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