Dumb Tables: Random Five-Man Band One-Shot

Category: Cussin' In Tongues
Created on Friday, 19 January 2018 Written by Steve

This set of dumb tables lets you create a random one-shot game using characters from pop culture. It’s sort of like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, only with much dumber source material (we call the 80s TV version we run at cons “The League of Kick-Ass Dudes”). For these tables, I’m going to use the Five-Man Band team structure (see TV Tropes for more information) and add a Sixth Ranger (who may be a mentor, a zeppo, or whatever) just for shits and gigles. I’ll also give you a villain, but figuring out the plot and how the team ended up together is up to the GM. 

The Leader

For purposes of these tables, we’re going to assume that the Leader is Murtaugh and The Lancer is Riggs. If the combination you roll up seems like it would work better with the roles reversed, by all means make the Lancer the Leader and the Leader the Lancer.  

 

  1. Mark Wahlberg character of your choice 
  2. Somerset O’Neil 
  3. Ron Swanson 
  4. Marge Gunderson 
  5. Ethan Hunt 
  6. Roger Murtaugh
  7. Veronica Mars
  8. Dominic Toretto 
  9. Seth Gecko
  10. Sarah Connor
  11. Darius Stone
  12. Nathan Ford 
  13. Agent Dana Scully
  14. Winston Wolfe 
  15. John Winchester
  16. John “Hannibal” Smith
  17. Lieutenant Abbie Mills 
  18. Agent Dale Cooper
  19. Luz/She
  20. Robert Redford character of your choice

 

The Lancer

 

  1. Nicholas Cage character of your choice 
  2. Raven McCoy 
  3. Bo Duke 
  4. Veronica Sawyer
  5. Agent J
  6. Jack Burton
  7. Dylan Sanders  
  8. Vincent Vega
  9. Peter Venkman 
  10. Sam Axe 
  11. Richard Castle
  12. Foxy Brown  
  13. Nick Sax
  14. Jessica Jones
  15. Walter Sobchak 
  16. Mr. Furious 
  17. Cherry Darling 
  18. Inspector Tequila Yuen 
  19. Chev Chelios
  20. Bruce Willis character of your choice 

 

The Smart Guy

 

  1. Seth Green character of your choice 
  2. The Black Fox
  3. Velma Dinkley
  4. Abed Nadir
  5. Ferris Bueller 
  6. Martin Byrde 
  7. Doc Brown
  8. Buckaroo Banzai 
  9. Ravi Chakrabarti
  10. Gregory House
  11. Peter Bishop
  12. Willow Rosenberg
  13. Colin “Chaos” Mason  
  14. Gil Grissom
  15. Angus MacGyver 
  16. Felicity Smoak
  17. Q (Bond, not Star Trek)
  18. Temperance Brennan
  19. Alan Fucking Moore
  20. Harrison Wells of your choice 

 

The Big Guy

Instead of a literal big guy, we’re going to use this role for the team combat monster. He or she may or may not be technically big or even a guy. 

 

  1. Chuck Norris character of your choice 
  2. The Japanese Fox
  3. Arnold Schwarzenegger character of your choice
  4. Marv
  5. Major Lillywhite
  6. Dean Winchester
  7. Tura Satana 
  8. Max Guevera 
  9. Bullet-Tooth Tony
  10. Melinda May 
  11. Elliot Spencer 
  12. Lincoln Hawk  
  13. Sex Machine 
  14. Alice 
  15. The Bride
  16. Buffy Summers
  17. Machete
  18. Chow Yun-Fat character of your choice
  19. Jackie Chan character of your choice
  20. The Rock character of your choice 

 

The Chick

Since The Chick’s main characteristic is often the actress playing the role, we’re just going to list some action/sf/horror/whatever actresses here.  

 

  1. Felicia Day 
  2. The French Fox 
  3. Uma Thurman
  4. Angelina Jolie 
  5. Jennifer Lawrence
  6. Lucy Liu
  7. Ronda Rousey 
  8. Gina Carano
  9. Zoe Bell 
  10. Pam Grier
  11. Michelle Yeoh
  12. Gina Torres
  13. Michelle Rodriguez
  14. Emilia Clarke 
  15. Zoe Saldana
  16. Summer Glau
  17. Devon Aoki
  18. Scarlett Johansson
  19. Adrianne Plicki 
  20. Charlize Theron 

 

The Sixth Ranger

 

  1. A character’s imaginary friend
  2. Snapper Carr
  3. Jay & Silent Bob
  4. Wednesday Addams 
  5. An Elvis Impersonator
  6. A Talking Dog
  7. Batboy
  8. Bigfoot
  9. Saul Goodman 
  10. Kimmy Gibbler
  11. Alf
  12. Starburns
  13. Leo Gets
  14. Merlin, but he’s senile 
  15. Earl Hickey 
  16. Xander Harris
  17. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 
  18. Neil Patrick Harris as Himself 
  19. The Dude
  20. Narration by Ron Howard

 

The Big Bad 

  1. Gary Oldman character of your choice
  2. Kevin Bacon as himself
  3. Dracula
  4. Stagger Lee 
  5. Morgan LeFay 
  6. Rogue Artificial Intelligence 
  7. Shark-Themed Apocalypse 
  8. Alien Invaders
  9. Zombies
  10. Organized Criminals
  11. Ninjas
  12. Cultists 
  13. A Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape 
  14. Hans Gruber 
  15. Dr. Evil 
  16. Marie Laveau
  17. Jack The Ripper
  18. Hitler 
  19. Satan
  20. Trickster God of your choice

 

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Dumb Tables: Random Five-Man Band One-Shot.
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