Why You're All Wrong

Category: Cussin' In Tongues
Created on Monday, 11 August 2014 Written by Steve
I'm busy with a few other projects this week, but since I don't want to break my recent streak of regular Monday posts, I'm going to re-post something from the old Death Cookie archives. A lot of our newer fans may not know this, but early on Hex went with a brilliant marketing strategy of "let's be dicks and alienate our potential customers" and this article (which we also did as a panel at a couple of conventions) is an example of that. We've mellowed since then, but the article makes some points that will always be true of some gamers (not you, of course).


Working for a game company has its advantages. True, there aren't a lot of half-naked coeds running around and we don't get much sun, but we do get paid for sitting around playing games all day. Cons pay for us to attend and then give us free shit. People ask us for our autographs while we're there and we have access to all the behind-the-scenes crap. There are a lot of great things about this job, but all of them can't overcome the one thing that makes our lives miserable. Of course, we're talking about the gamers.


Now don't get all worked up just yet. We're not talking about all gamers. Hell, much as we may hate to admit it, we're gamers; and most gamers we hang out with don't have a thing wrong with them. But there are some people out there that ruin it for everyone else. It's that one guy at every con or that group at Denny's at 3 a.m. There are always a few at the local comic shop and one or two at the movies. What's wrong with them? Lots. So we've decided to, as a public service, frankly discuss some of the misguided notions and beliefs that these people cling to. Where possible, we will also discuss a few options these people may have, other than suicide.

[From the legal department: Mr. Johnson and Mr. Trimble are in no way condoning or suggesting that anyone should take his or her own life. What Mr. Johnson and Mr. Trimble are doing is using hyperbole in a fun and playful manner. Hex games will not be held responsible for the death of any person who may or may not have read this article.]


Before we begin, let's get a few things straight. You won't think that you are the victim of any of these myths. Gamers are terrible at realizing their own faults, even when someone points them out. Also, you may think that we're over-emphasizing how annoying some of these habits and mannerisms can be. You may think that some of these activities are perfectly acceptable, at least in the company of other gamers. You're wrong. For the most part, these things are obnoxious to everyone. So, either decide now to keep an open mind or just go back to telling people about the character you played five years ago.

Myth #1: People really want to hear about your character.
Steve: What the fuck makes you think I give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about the fucking 15th level Paladin/Thief you played, even if he did sodomize Bilbo Baggins? For the most part, the few things you can describe about your character without using stats are blatant rip-offs of shitty movies and books. Get a fucking life!
Ryan: Here's the thing. I have had a lot of sex. Sex with some incredible fucking women. Shit that would make the guys over at Penthouse blush. If sex were a rpg, my character would be pretty damn impressive. But you don't hear me yakkin' about it, do ya? Sure, I might mention something about it, but you'll never hear the details. Now look at it this way, if people really don't want to hear about me fucking a set of twins, why would they ever want to hear about your character?
What You Should Do: We're not going to ask you to stop talking about your character. We know that would probably kill you. Just realize that, for the most part, only people who actually played in the game with you are going to be amused by your antics. Keep it short, and watch for signs that the person you're talking to just doesn't give a damn. If the person you are talking to is desperately trying to change the subject (or start a new conversation with anyone in hearing distance), has turned his back to you in favor of staring at the wall, or has glazed eyes, he probably doesn't want to hear any more. Learn when to shut the hell up.

Myth #2: All gamers are creative and intelligent.
Ryan: And good-looking too. HA HA HA. Anyway, if you're so fucking intelligent and creative, why don't you create a life for yourself, Einstein? I know many people that are both creative and intelligent, and they still find the time to have social lives. What is it with some gamers that they can't seem to grasp the concept of "a normal conversation"? You get these people in a game and they're (sometimes) fun and talkative, but then try to say something to them about something that's not game related and they freeze up. Many gamers believe that they are creative and intelligent because if they didn't have that, they'd realize how pathetic they truly are. Sure 'ol Ryan Trimble has money, women, and good looks, but you've memorized all 17 conversion tables in the new White Wolf book. Well holy shit. I'm glad that gets you through the day. If you ever want to really be creative and intelligent, come out from your little protective shell and prove it, genius.
Steve: If gamers are so fucking intelligent and creative, why the fuck do game companies make so much goddamn money selling ideas? If gamers had their own ideas, game companies couldn't stay in business. Sure, some of these creative gamers may buy a system to make things easier, but they should be able to come up with game worlds, adventures, and stuff like that on their own. And don't give me this "I don't have time to come up with my own ideas" shit. Truly creative people can't avoid coming up with their own ideas. Besides, if you're really creative, you can come up with everything while you're playing--no additional time required. Of course, that would put us out of business, so we're actually pretty happy that so many gamers are stupid and unimaginative.
What You Should Do: Just accept that memorizing everything TSR wrote about the Forgotten Realms doesn't necessarily make you creative or intelligent.It just means you have a good memory.

Myth #3: Just because something can be done, it should be.
Steve: Granted, this isn't just a problem with gamers, but a lot of gamers seem to buy into the myth. There are a lot of things that can be done, but don't need to be--the Final Fantasy movie, a fourth Highlander flick, a Pulp Fiction/Ranma crossover, the list goes on and on. I just don't need this shit in my life.
Ryan: Technically, you can lay your dick out on a table and beat it with a hammer. It can be done and it probably wouldn't be as painful as another Star Trek movie. I think you see where this is going.
What You Should Do: Don't initiate or encourage this kind of activity. Don't buy that Star Trek/X-Men comic. Don't go see yet another Batman movie directed by Schumaker. And whatever you do, don't email that fucking Clerks/Forest Gump script you wrote to anyone.

Myth #4: At the end of a really good movie, you should applaud.
Ryan: Yes, yes you should. That is, you should if you are a fucking idiot. I mean, do you clap and applaud in your car when you're listening to the radio. A great Pearl Jam song comes on and you cheer and wave your lighter. And let me ask, if you were sitting at home alone watching the same movie would you applaud? Well, maybe I don't want to know your answer but I'm here to tell you that you're just setting yourself up to be ridiculed. No one in the movie theater thinks you're cool and I'm sure the drunk guy running the projector could care less if you liked the movie or if you sat in the back row and made out the whole fucking time. Of course with gamers, this just wouldn't be the case, but that's a whole other topic. So remember, laugh, shriek; hell, cry if ya need to, but leave the applause for a live performance where someone actually gives a shit.
Steve: Jesus Christ! Do you really think Chow Yun Fat's sitting somewhere thinking "they like me, they really like me!"?
What You Should Do: Just don't do it.

Myth #5: Gamers are cool, funny, hip people. If people know you're a gamer, they'll think you're awesome.
Steve: The Fonz is cool. Steve Martin's funny. William S. Burroughs is hip. None of them are gamers.
Ryan: Right. And they're creative and intelligent as well. Without rehashing what I've already said, most gamers lack the social skills to be cool or hip. They are sometimes funny, but more of the "sad" funny than the way you're thinking. I assure you that I think your fucking hilarious when you've cornered Johnson and you won't quit talking about you're fucking character. It's funny that you have no idea that he doesn't give two shits about you or your character and it's funny on a whole different level because you don't realize that you're about to get punched in the mouth. And as for you guys that think you're cool because you want to scare or bewilder "normal" people by acting in character and doing all kinds of odd gaming things, I'm sorry but most people don't fucking care if you're a gamer. At best they think you're retarded and at worst they think that you are a sad little gamer with no life.
What You Should Do: Keep in mind that people don't think gamers are cool--they think gamers are geeks. And they're right.

Myth #6: Grooming and hygiene are just ways for the man to keep us down.
Ryan: People say that I just don't care about anything. To prove that I do have a heart, I'm starting a charitable organization that I hope people will embrace. The Adopt a Stinky Shit-head Foundation for Unity and Charitable Kinship will provide the necessary things that gamers need to be normal people. Donors will receive a picture of their gamer with all the necessary information. For just a dollar a day, volunteers will take gamers a bar of soap, deodorant, and Accutane(TM), as well as taking them out once a week and talking to them about current events in a social setting. Our volunteers will even burn all of the gamer's clothing from K-mart and other personal effects that are too small or sure to show more ass-crack than a strip club. You are probably asking how you can help. If you would like to be a donor, send cash to Ryan Trimble, care of Hex Games. If you know someone who might need the services of ASSFUCK or you're a little worried that you might need a little "freshening up" yourself, please contact me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Of course, you could just TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER and save us all the trouble. Then again, I'd rather you just send me the money.
Steve: Are you afraid of water or what?
What You Should Do: Bathe as necessary--usually at least once a day. Buy clothes that actually fit you. Comb your hair and brush your teeth(remember: circles small, gums and all!).

There you have it. Belief in these myths constitutes six of the seven "cardinal sins" of gamers. The seventh, of course, is believing the myth "quoting Monty Python is funny," but we're guessing that you already knew that. Of course there are more things wrong with gamers, but this is an article, not a fucking book. Hell, it would have to be a series of books. But if you could just take these things we've said you might actually be tolerable to be around. At the very least it might keep you from getting punched in the face.


©2012 by Hex Games
Why You're All Wrong.
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